The Joys of Public Restrooms

So I'm in the restroom at work here and I there is this dude in the far stall doing his business. I get to thinking (as I do when I'm getting rid of my morning tea). I'm thinking there is no way in hell I'd put my bare ass on those toilet seats after seeing the people who belong to the asses that have been there before mine. Unless it was a "I'm gonna shit myself, I ate too much cheese and meat" momment there is no way I'd use a public toilet. Also, a man makes noises while dropping a deuce that should never be public!

When the occasion does arise that I have to use the toilet before I burst, it could be compared to the efforts a ninja would take to assisinate the Emperor. If I get to the restroom and notice another guy in there, I will stand at the urninal and pretend to pee until he leaves. Only until giving myself a three second all clear countdown do I proceed to the stall. After dousing the toilet seat in hand (ass) sanitizer, I do my business. If somebody happens to walk in while I'm doing "the business" I will sit there and not make a sound, kinda like a deer, until they leave. If they happen to get into the ajacent stall to mine I finish up as soon as possible, consider the Emperor dead, wash my hands and exit the restroom before the other party even suspects there was another person in the stall next to thiers.


Which brings to my last, whatever the hell you want to call this thing, ?observations? The three kinds of poopers. First, there's The Casual Male, you see him walk to the toilet with the newspaper under arm, cup of coffee in hand, acting like he's at home. This is the guy that will carry on stall to stall conversations with the male next to him. He recognizes people by thier shoes, and the sound of thier voice.

Second there's the I'm Just Going to the Bathroom Male. This is the guy who goes in, does his businees and leaves. Doesn't talk to anybody, gets in and gets out. Like a stealth assassin, but instead of murdering the president of some third world country, he's taking a poo.


Finally, and my least favorite there's the Berserker. The guy who lets you know what going on by making horrible noises that could be only described as a gorrilla having angry sex with an even angrier cat. They come charging into the restroom, find an open stall, rape the toilet and sit there for 15 mins. When they're done there is an errie calm and the sound of porcelain crying. It's terrifying, and they do this anywhere from one to three times a day depending on what they ate for breakfast, brunch, lunch, the after lunch lunch, and the pre-going home feast. Did I forget to mention that they normallly wiegh in at 250+ pounds.

Why did I dispatch on poopers instead of my job like promised? Because I'm an ass, deal with it.