Why I hate the Amana Colonies

This is a recap of my weekend of Fuggin' Hell 08-06-10 to 08-08-10, which I never wanted to go to anyway.

Short story of why I went to Iowa. I have an Aunt, Uncle, two cousin's and a 2nd cousin that live in Nebraska (Omaha) so we decided that the Amana Colonies, in Iowa (woo...) would be a nice place to meet for a weekend of waterparking and shop parusing. I thought it was a good idea, until we tried to save money by booking one hotel room for my parents, my sister and my wife and animals. My idea of how much fun this would be went South.

Friday: Wasn't too bad, I got to work normal human hours, instead of human Californian hours. Now through plotting and planny my Mother, Grand-Mother and Aunt all asked my Sister-in-law to let their animals out for bathroom breaks and play time. She would be rewarded the heft sum of $100. The 'in law's kids would be in charge of mowing mine, my mother and grand-mother's lawn for the hefty reward of ten American dollars. Well this was fine until it dawned on me, why would my sister in law have to spend the weekend in my house, feeding one of her kids my food, using my electriciy, to watch dogs that are NOT MINE! Plus I'm just anal when it comes to people being in my house when I'm out of the state.

So, I text my darling brother to see if he can his "darling" woman come over and let the animal's out, that way people save money, I save money, and I don't have to worry about having to shag down my mother to pay my sister-in-law $50 she doesn't have. Well long story really short, I was wrong. Sister-in-law was really looking forward to the money, my brother is not responding, and my mother is no where to be found to run the idea by her. So after an afternoon of me getting pissed off to no end. Sister-in-law gets to watch dogs and gets paid, mom does have the money, and I look like an asshole, Status Quo has been returned.

So after a day of having to explain to my nosey co-workers, what I explained in my first paragraph of this distpatch, I get to leave my job for a weekend of being crammed in a hotel room with the people that drive me nuts. I get home after a stop at Discount Liqour and a stop at the bank, to have myself greeted with McDonalds. This is the last thing I need seeing I pigged out on pizza that was supplied to me with an office provided lunch. I also brought home a ton of said pizza trying to save some money and avoid buying food. #fail #strikeone

We hit the road a tad behind schedule, which is loads better then the "Way fucking behind schedule" I'm used to. I always love driving to my desitination, I'm a firm a believer in the journey, not the arrival. There's a beautiful sunset, it's 75 degrees outside, so I decide to roll down the window for some arm hangage. "Close the window, you're going to let mosquito's in!" My wife says from her position crammed between two car seats. I love my wife dearly, she's a smart woman, but some of the shit she says just baffles me. "I'm going 75 miles an hour a mosquito is not going to fly in the window." I say to myself just so I can avoid the ensuing pointless argument.

So we're chuging along I-88, with the voice of Owen Wilson as Lightning McQueen in the background on the portable DVD player, when all of a sudden BOOM! Traffic jam! I knew I was in for a world of hurt when I saw the sign saying "Left Lane Closed Ahead" and I was dead stopped 2 miles away from that sign. So 30 mins and a 5 mph crawl, I'm out of the traffic. It is now 9:00pm and I'm starting to get tired and crabby and I just want to have a beer. Luckily I'm a smart traveler and tossed some beers in the lunch bucket before I left. We finnaly arrive at our desitnation off of exit 225, and after a wrong turn by yours truly finnaly end up at our destination!

We check in get our room keys and head to hotel room to set up shop and try to get my animals asleep. It is now 10:00 hours past both thier bedtimes. We go into the hotel room and try to see if we can unload in the 2nd bedroom, "Uhm honey?" I asked "Where's the other bedroom? I only see one." "What do you mean? She responds, "I bet they gave us your aunt's room!" After a call to the front desk we're informed that is indeed our room and there is no 2nd bedroom. My wife was duped by the pretty pictures on their webpage into thinking there were two seperate bedrooms. So now we have bunk beds, two couch hide-a-beds, and a queen sized bed, that has to hold 7 people (not counting my two kids, my cousin and her fiance crashed with us for a night)#striketwo

So after my parents and sister arrive we go over the details, and crack open the bottle of Tequila Rose, and I crack open a bottle of Sprecher's IPA2 we go over sleeping arrangements and we let Ma and Pa have the Queeen bed. The Wife and I will take one of the hide-a-beds, Casey will crash in his pack-n-play, My cousin and her fiance will take the other hide-a-bed, and Liam and my sister will each take a bunk bed. WRONG! Liam refuses to go in the bunk bed and sleep, so he ends up sleeping with my wife, in the same bed and room as my parents and Casey with his pack n' play. I end up having the bottom bunk, and my sister takes the top. We haven't had that sleeping arrangement since '93, so if was like old time's and her and I stayed up till about 1:30 drinking and goofing around.

Saturday 5:30am Casey decides he wants to wake everybody up in the whole fucking room. Liam decides he wants to get up, and be an ass and wake me up too. I now have 4 hours of sleep and I know I'm going to be cranky. I go to make some complimentary coffee, all they have is one packet of decaff and one packet of regular, which has already been brewed and consumed by my mom and dad. So we get cleaned up and head off to the restaurant for coffee and breakfast. This where I am taken back by the fucking stellar prices for pancakes, Liam wants to yet again be a cranky ass from his lack of sleep. Casey wants to push himself over in the highchair, and I feel a disturbance in my bowels like no fucking other. #Strikethree

So we finish breakfast, and decide to get the kids out of the damned room and take a walk across the parking lot where they have these little shops where you can buy crap. Liam tears loose in his stroller and is pushing it through the shop at NASCAR Speeds. I try to strap him in there all the time he is yelling "OW! OW! OW! OW!" So now I feel like one of those monster parent's Nancy Grace would talk about on her show. I find the wife and she's loading up these little velvet sacks with polished rocks that are twenty five cents a piece. "What are those for?" I ask know full well who they are for. "They're for the kids" my wife responds. By "The kids" that's the general term we use for my sister-in-laws kids. I usually throw a couple colorful adjectives in there. "Put them back, the kids are too old for rocks, and they just loose them." "!FINE!" she says and dumps them back in the bin so hard, I think I saw diamonds forming between them. This is not going to be a fun day. #Strikefour (So I don't look like a total monster we ended up getting them book marks)

So we head back to the hotel room for some serious nap action at 10:30, before setting forth to visit the Amana Colonies. Everyone naps (except for me) for about 30 mins. We load up our vehicles and head north on 151 before coming upon The Amana Colonies. brief history on the colonies, it was orginally a German settlement back in the mid 1840's and now it's a small village with a bunch of shops, a couple restaurants, and a brewery. Well we get there, and it now about 80 degrees and about 100% humidity, I have 4 hours of sleep, and I am now officially "cranky". We get out walk to some of the shops (bunch of overpriced brikabrak and crap) Liam is driving me nuts because he won't stay in his damned stroller and wants to push it through the shops like he's a mad chariot racer. #strikefive

It is now about 11:30 and my cousins fiance decides he's hungry, so we ventrue accross the street to one of the three German restaurants. Its pretty much a replay of breakfast except the bill is now $100 instead of $45. I take Liam outside so he can run around and everybody can enjoy thier piece of homemade pie. Well Liam is playing around and I see what at first I thought was the ugliest woman in a dress I've ever seen. After a brief stare and a double take, this was in fact the ugliest MAN, I've ever seen in a dress, even had matching earrings and a purse too! So I pull out my phone to text my sister and wife to hurry outside and check this out! At that exact momment my phone tells me I have a new message from Twitter. It's my buddy Jonny over at GenCon tweeting about all the CosPlayers he's seen. I considered it the only humorous part of my day.


So we finally sally forth and decide to say "fuck it" to the all the other shops and just head to the brewery where my Grandma, Aunt's and cousins are all waiting with pitcher's of beer. After a 20 min walk in now 85 degree heat and tropical humidity, my wife has had enough. She gone past just cranky and is now downright being bitchy. Complaining about everything, arguing and just being short. I figure, we get to the brewery and all will be well, we can sit in the shade and enjoy some beer. Well I get there and get ready to sit down for a beer, when the wife tells me to bring the vehicles closer to where we are. #strikesix I think?

My sister and I walk all the way back up to where we parked, past the man in a dress and his 350lb lady friend, and head back to a closer spot near the brewery. At this point I'm done, I don't want any fucking beer, I don't want to go back to the fucking hotel, I don't want to deal with my fucking family anymore. I just want to leave and go back home. Well, my wife makes up for her behavior by going into the brewery to change diapers and comes back out with two kids and a Weizen Bock. My mind wanders from the strife of the day and turns to the delcious wheaty, yeasty 8.5% beer that is shutting me the fuck up for the momment.

With my expectations being low that I'll pick up a six pack of something for less then 9.99, I decide to venture forth into thier gift shop. Well to my surprise their prices are pretty good, 25 something for a case of beer. I decide to go and get a case, and I'm finally convinced that maybe this trip won't be a waste of a weekend. Then I get my wife's cell phone thrust to my ear, it's my sister in law telling me that my computer is telling her that it's being devoured by a virus. #assuming the last strike was six, this will be seven.

So now with the task of having to delouse my computer looming over my head, my weekend is shot. I round up the kids and sally forth back to hotel room, to drown my sorrows in beer and a rustic Iowa themed water park. We get back to the hotel at 4pm, I remember it well, becuase that is check in time. The hotel is now teaming with children and lines of people waiting to check in so they can go and partake of The Wasserbahrn (gotta keep with that German theme I guess.)

So The Wife, our two kids and I trudge on with the prospect of our Air Conditioned hotel room guiding our tired frames past the husks of towel clad Iowan's. We stick out key into it slot and "Red light, fuck you!" slide it agian, "Red light fuck you!", one more time, this time I beat the key slot to the "Fuck you!" part, same results red light, none shall pass. Wife is furious, I am exhausted, kids are....climbing the luggage cart's. Wife goes up to the counter, and keeps me updated with angry texts about how many people are standing in line. After 20 mins of me trying to wrangle my childeren, wife comes back, opens the door grabs the children and flops down on the couch.

"Honey, can you let me in?" I said holding the diaper bag and random bags of stuff we brought with us. After a long rant from The Wife she tells me that the "Trainee" at the counter told her that we must've gotten the card close to a magnet or by a cell phone and it was deactivated. Well I kept the dang card in my chest pocket, and unless reciepts and pacifiers have electrical currents, I just chalked it up to somebody hit the wrong button at the hotel and our cards got deactivated. Turns out my suspicions where correct as my parents and cousin had the same trouble with thier card. #strikeeight

Now at this point the only thing I want to do is get half naked and strut my Wisconsin-esque frame around a pool of equally out of shape Iowan's. Gear up Liam in his swimsuit with floaties and he looks cute as hell. In the overzealous anxiety of getting Casey ready for the pool, I whip off his diaper only to reaveal he has shit himself. Fun. After a rant and a swearing session from your truly, I gather my flock and head to the Wasserbahrn. Casey goes tearing into the kiddie part of the water park like a dog chasing a flock of geese. Liam freaks out as soon as his feet touch the water. He refuses to go in the water or even let go of me so I can at least enjoy the last on my weekend "to do" list. Well after a little coaxing, the damn kid goes ballistic and finally I can enjoy a couple mins away from my resposiblities and sit in a Sauna and clear my sinus' or maybe hit up the water slides, or swim in the pool.

Now I know what you're thinking "Mike after the day you've had, why would you even bother trying to think that?" I know right? Turns out, having my family there actually worked in my favor for a change as I was able to do the things I mentioned before while my aunt's, cousin's and sister played with my kids! I actually go to enjoy two hours of my weekend! Then it was back to the hotel for supper and beer, finally the day was over and I can come back home to virus riddle computer.

Sunday, up at 7 WOO! I actually got a broken 7 hours of sleep! Pack up all my stuff, load it into the truck, and give the middle finger to everything I can. Load up the kids, catch a lengthy breakfast and hit the road for four and a half hours in the 85 degree sun!

Get home around 3:00 and unload all the stuff, talk to the sister-in-law, get in a tustle with the wife and turn my attention to my infected computer. Turns out my niece went to addictinggames.com and a popup came up and she clicked on "Yes" and thats the end of that story, but the begining of me trying to elminate Antiviruspro from my computer, which was a mother fucker and a half, but I did it.

And ladies and gentlemen is the recap of my weekend, and you know what? It's out before Celloriffic puts out his GenCon recap.

TFC Life Metaphores

Many years ago my brother and I were TFC (Team Fortress Classic) junkies. Well we were discussing our lives via text and for some reason it turned into TFC.

Me: You need the "Better Job" Upgrade to unlock that achievement, and you don't get it by camping in the re-spawn

Brother: But that's all I know! I gave up on capping the flag years ago, funny how TFC can be a life metaphore

Me: Well we did spend a few rounds playing 2Fort on lifes server, yeah sure the occasional custom map came into rotation and had to be downloaded, and people left the server, but eventually 2Fort once again came into rotation(just had to wait through Canal and sniper maps) but eventually 2Fort came back. Sure right now I'm stuck playing a horrible round of Hunted with Bot snipers. But I know that a gg of 2fort is close at hand.

Brother: Word?

I think I went too deep on the last texts.

Very Few Things Bring a Tear to My Eye

Amazing Grace on the bagpipes at my Grandma's funeral, the birth of my two Son's, me having too much to drink and getting all upset that my sister's engaged (she's not anymore), eating super napalm, hot brat mustard. Those are pretty much the only times I've shed a tear.

Well, I can add a new one to the list, plucking a nose hair. Holy shit did that hurt! I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes! Not sure if it was because it hurt like a sombitch or if was because it was a nose hair, it was a long fucker too! I've pulled ingrown hairs from one of my chins before and it didn't bother me that much, not even that time I went all OCD and re-created the scene from Poultergeist (you know the one I'm talking about). One nose hair, two failed attempts and a lot of courage later, the deed was done, my eyes were watering and I was blowing my nose like a whole ghost chilli got stuffed up there. But it's gone, and I can feel another one taking it's place on my list of annoying hairs I wish I didnt' have.


Sombitch hurt though.

A Tribute to Halloween Costumes Past

Seeing it's my favoritest time of year, early fall. I figure I'd pay hommage to my past Halloween costumes, I've had some good ones, and some that were just plain odd, but all of them 100% hand made, no going to Halloween Express and buying a bagged costume!

Pre Toys R Us years:

Coming from a middle to lower income family we pretty much made our own costumes, They weren't the lower income costumes, like "I'm a businessman, or I'm a homless person" my mother would work fevereshly over a sewing machine and would make us costumes from scratch using templates and ideas she picked up at the fabric store. Most of them were cutesy costumes like pumpkins, dragons, bats, and convicts. Ther were a couple mentionable ones though. I remember being 4 or 5 and my Uncle Dave (RIP) and my father putting a mixture of corn flakes, mollases and red food coloring on my face and telling me I was a burnt skeleton. Yes it was about as comfortable as it sounds.

I'm prolly one of the few people in the world who never went throught that "I'm too old for Halloween" phase, guess it was my Celtic blood kicking in. Hell I remember dressing up as The Phantom of the Opera when I was 16. I stopped Trick or Treating when I was 14 but I still made the rounds with my sister and cousin's


The Toys R Us years:

Chainsaw Vigilante- Fun costume to make, but I screwed up on the hair, so I just looked like a dude with a cardboard mask in a leather jacket. I think two people figured out who I was.

Furby Hunter -By far the best and most disturbing costume I've ever made, boys thought it was awesome, girls were terrified by my many Furby pelts, plus talking like the main bad guy from "Rescuer's Down Under" really added to the charm. I also wore this costume to a Halloween party, I ended up sitting on a fish lure, and walking around with a coat hanger offering free abortions....I was not drunk.

Teasel Bonne -from Mega Man Legends, Pat and I worked for weeks on this costume trying to get the hair to be horizontal, after trying spray starch, glue and a coat hanger, I finnaly got it. The only problem was I ran out of time and money, and couldn't get the rest of the green costume done. So I improvised and played Teasel Bonne, TRU employee. Not the best role in the world, but I did have fun making the Dark and Brooding "Jonny Magik" break character. Another one of those nights where I lost count of the times he said "I hate you Mike".

TFC Medic -Damn I miss my TFC days! This was a costume I designed and worked on for months...only to have 9-11 ruin it's appeal. Due to the ingornace of humanity, and after being asked if I was from the CDC and people freaking out over Anthrax, my costume was quietly removed and I was forced to walk around the store in camoflauge. I guess a guy wearing a resperator and a salad bowel on his head is a little too over the top for Brookfieldans.

Angry Mike -It was a Sunday, and I was hung over from a prior Halloween party, so my creative juices were not really flowing. I took some grease paint, and made gigantic furrowed brows on my forehead, and changed my name tag to "Angry Mike F" it got some chuckles.

AT&T Years

Not as much of an audience as the Toys R Us, due to being in an office setting and being force to sit on my ass. But I still cranked out some good costumes.

Skeleton couple -The wife and went to a couples Halloween party, and I've always wanted a full skeletong suit, so I went out bought some coveralls and hand painted two skeleton suits that glow in the dark. I'm still impressed with those, they took three weekends to finish, and they even one me $25! This was also the year my brother and I worked on his Dimebag Darrell costume, which he wore several Halloweens in a row.

Drunk Redneck -Big stretch there...but hey it marked my first Halloween party in my own house!! I did a keg stand, lost track of time and puked. It was a good night.

Zombie Mechanic -I decided to dress up as my zombie character from when I volunteered at Fright Fest seeing nobody got to see it. It was pretty hard considering I was sitting in a bar drinking for 2 hours before I had to somewhere else and drink. Sometime during the night I found a pair of vampire teeth and became a vampire zombie. This was also the year my brother dressed up as his wrestling alter ego, UTAR! It was damn hillarious.

Mikegoroth-It was fun running around worshiping Satan and encouraging church burning for a night. Again another exclusive costume some people didn't get. I think it's still my Myspace page avatar, so that should go to show how often I check that.

Abby Monk -An excuse to carry around a loaf of bread and drink Belgian Tripples, feet got cold after a while, just one of the joys of belonging to the Barefoot Brotherhood. Guess I picked this costume to make up for my sinning as Mikegoroth. :D

IRFC Supporter -That's Irish Rugby Football Club, I wore an Ireland rugby jersery carried around an Erin Go Brah flag and for my office portion I refilled and recapped some Guinness bottles with rootbeer and drank from them all day. I also filled a Tullimore Dew bottle with apple juice and chugged it for lunch, then picked a fight with a guy dressed as a Steelers fan. This was my first "Father Son" costume, I dressed Liam up as a beer keg and carried him around while we Trick or Treated with the Niece and Nephew's.


That's pretty much the noteworthy ones, I've got a couple ideas for this year, I just don't know how I'm going to put them together. I'd like to include Casey in my idea but I think it's just gonna be Liam and I.

Yaaaaaarg!!!

How's a good way to tell you left your MP3 player on all night? Well, when the last song you listened too as you roll into the driveway is Dope Sick Girl by Rancid, and then as you start to leave the next morning Ram It Down by Judas Priest (which by the way is a hillarious song title since Halford came out) is playing and your playlist is not on shuffle. Then your player promplty eeks out it's out last blips and bleeps before retiring due to a low battery, is a good indicator.

As long as we're on the subject of Judas Priest, I've decide that the following Preist songs have taken on a new meaning since Halford came out.

Rocka Rolla:
Deep Freeze
Dying to Meet You
Diamonds and Rust

Sad Wings of Destiny:
Victim of Changes
The Ripper
Island of Domination

Sin After Sin:
Sinner
Starbreaker
Call for the Priest
Raw Deal
Here come the Tears
Dissadent Aggresor

Stained Class:
Exciter
Better By You Better Then Me
Invader
Savage
Heroes End

Hell Bent for Leather:
Delivering the Goods
Hell Bent for Leather
Burnin' Up
Evil Fantasies

British Steel:
Rapid Fire
Grinder
The Rage

Point of Entry:
Don't Go
You Say Yes
All the Way
The album title itself is damn hillarious

Screaming for Vengeance:
Electric Eye
(Take These) Chains
Pain and Pleasure
You've Got Another Thing Coming
Screaming for Vengeance

Defenders of the Faith:
Jawbreaker
Rock Hard Ride Free
Eat me Alive
Heavy Duty

Turbo:
Turbo Lover
Rock You All Around the World
Wild Nights, Hot and Crazy Days
Hot For Love
Reckless

Ram It Down:
Ram it Down (Duh)
Love Zone
Come and Get It
Hard as Iron

Pain Killer:
All Guns Blazing
Leather Rebel
Night Crawler
Between the Hammer and the Anvil
One Shot at Glory

Then Halford left and Ripper joined the band. He's not gay so the couple albums they released aren't as funny. The Halford came back for Angel of Retribution and Nostrodomus, but then the world new he was gay so the song titles aren't as creepy anymore.

Dear, Friends, Family etc.

Please don't assume that because I'm drunk, I'm going to turn into some kind of
belligerent asshole. I think I have a pretty damn good track record of being a drunk. 99% of the time when I'm drunk I turn into a blithering idiot, not some kind of angry wife beating trailor trash.

Also, please note, telling me "I've had too much" when I'm sitting in a chair talking out of my ass is never a good idea. Chances are If it's past 8:30 I'm a combination of drunk and over tired. Just point me in the direction of the nearest floor, couch, bed or comfy chair and let me fall asleep. Don't laught at me and assume I'm soo drunk I passed out. I stopped doing that shit when I was 16. My day starts anywhere between 5:30 and 6:15 and that's after five to six hours of sleep, so come 8 o'clock in the PM I'm ready for bed, but seeing as I'm prolly having a good time if there is a beer in my hand, I will ignore all messages my brain tells me to take my evening BM, shower and go to sleep.

Yeah true, I may not be as fun and exciting as I used to be, but having a two year old son who needs to know that throwing sand at everybody is not acceptable behavior takes some of the "sugar" out my demeanor. I get to be the disciplinarian and have to step in after hearing "Liam we don't throw sand," a thousand times. I have to use my daddy voice and let him know I'm being serious. I don't hit, yell at for no reason or swear at my son. I only give him a swift swat on the butt after the fifth or sixth time or using the "Daddy" voice, and the diaper absorbs all of that impact. After working at Toys R Us for six years I see what happens to kids when they're asked nicely to stop, and take a time out. These are Frahmann boys and the only thing we understand is pain, If it hurts we don't do it again. Which I should also know that yelling has no affect on us. So I guess just like my old man, I'm waisting my breath.

But anyway, back to the point, I'm not an abusive angry man. Just somebody who doesn't get to sit down and enjoy a good drunk as much as he used too. So yes, I can see how somebody would assume I'm overdoing it, and when I have to switch from acting like a 16 year old to Daddy mode, the transition is a little rough. All I want to do is sit around and be social with the company I enjoy. I don't really want to change a diaper or push my kid around in a stroller, I do that shit everyday. I want to involve myself with conversations that I can actaully relate too with my friends, that's something I only get to do once a month or as long as there is some kind of party.

It's been a while since this has happened

So it was Awesome Batchelor Night last night! Kid's in bed at 7:30 wife at work until 10:00. You think I sat around, drank beer and watched porno's? Did I sit on the computer and play Left 4 Dead for two hours? Hell, do you even think I sat in front of the TV and watched what I wanted to watch? Nope I drank a beer in the garage, put Liam to bed again (he likes to come in and out of his bedroom at least two or three times before finally calling it a night) busted out the fiddle and practiced that beast for 45 mins straight!

Here's the "It's been a while momment" after practicing for 15 mins, I decided to change my grip on the bow, then it hit me. It was the "Holy cow this makes perfect sense, is that all it takes" momment. Like when you finaly figure out how to perform 90% of Zangief's moves in Street Fighter for the SNES after deciding that he has the dumbest move set ever! Who the hell has the time to do a 360 on the control pad!?!

After the past 6 or so years of doing tasks that required no skill. It was an enlightening momment that I was doing something again that takes skill, patience, practice and time. Not since playing Rugby or TFC have I felt this...good? Granted I'm still a beginner at the fiddle and can't really play much other scales. I know this is something that's going to be with me for the rest of my life. Hell I might even cash in some of my old PS2 games, cause I dont' think I'll need them anymore.

Happy birthday son #1