Why I hate the Amana Colonies

This is a recap of my weekend of Fuggin' Hell 08-06-10 to 08-08-10, which I never wanted to go to anyway.

Short story of why I went to Iowa. I have an Aunt, Uncle, two cousin's and a 2nd cousin that live in Nebraska (Omaha) so we decided that the Amana Colonies, in Iowa (woo...) would be a nice place to meet for a weekend of waterparking and shop parusing. I thought it was a good idea, until we tried to save money by booking one hotel room for my parents, my sister and my wife and animals. My idea of how much fun this would be went South.

Friday: Wasn't too bad, I got to work normal human hours, instead of human Californian hours. Now through plotting and planny my Mother, Grand-Mother and Aunt all asked my Sister-in-law to let their animals out for bathroom breaks and play time. She would be rewarded the heft sum of $100. The 'in law's kids would be in charge of mowing mine, my mother and grand-mother's lawn for the hefty reward of ten American dollars. Well this was fine until it dawned on me, why would my sister in law have to spend the weekend in my house, feeding one of her kids my food, using my electriciy, to watch dogs that are NOT MINE! Plus I'm just anal when it comes to people being in my house when I'm out of the state.

So, I text my darling brother to see if he can his "darling" woman come over and let the animal's out, that way people save money, I save money, and I don't have to worry about having to shag down my mother to pay my sister-in-law $50 she doesn't have. Well long story really short, I was wrong. Sister-in-law was really looking forward to the money, my brother is not responding, and my mother is no where to be found to run the idea by her. So after an afternoon of me getting pissed off to no end. Sister-in-law gets to watch dogs and gets paid, mom does have the money, and I look like an asshole, Status Quo has been returned.

So after a day of having to explain to my nosey co-workers, what I explained in my first paragraph of this distpatch, I get to leave my job for a weekend of being crammed in a hotel room with the people that drive me nuts. I get home after a stop at Discount Liqour and a stop at the bank, to have myself greeted with McDonalds. This is the last thing I need seeing I pigged out on pizza that was supplied to me with an office provided lunch. I also brought home a ton of said pizza trying to save some money and avoid buying food. #fail #strikeone

We hit the road a tad behind schedule, which is loads better then the "Way fucking behind schedule" I'm used to. I always love driving to my desitination, I'm a firm a believer in the journey, not the arrival. There's a beautiful sunset, it's 75 degrees outside, so I decide to roll down the window for some arm hangage. "Close the window, you're going to let mosquito's in!" My wife says from her position crammed between two car seats. I love my wife dearly, she's a smart woman, but some of the shit she says just baffles me. "I'm going 75 miles an hour a mosquito is not going to fly in the window." I say to myself just so I can avoid the ensuing pointless argument.

So we're chuging along I-88, with the voice of Owen Wilson as Lightning McQueen in the background on the portable DVD player, when all of a sudden BOOM! Traffic jam! I knew I was in for a world of hurt when I saw the sign saying "Left Lane Closed Ahead" and I was dead stopped 2 miles away from that sign. So 30 mins and a 5 mph crawl, I'm out of the traffic. It is now 9:00pm and I'm starting to get tired and crabby and I just want to have a beer. Luckily I'm a smart traveler and tossed some beers in the lunch bucket before I left. We finnaly arrive at our desitnation off of exit 225, and after a wrong turn by yours truly finnaly end up at our destination!

We check in get our room keys and head to hotel room to set up shop and try to get my animals asleep. It is now 10:00 hours past both thier bedtimes. We go into the hotel room and try to see if we can unload in the 2nd bedroom, "Uhm honey?" I asked "Where's the other bedroom? I only see one." "What do you mean? She responds, "I bet they gave us your aunt's room!" After a call to the front desk we're informed that is indeed our room and there is no 2nd bedroom. My wife was duped by the pretty pictures on their webpage into thinking there were two seperate bedrooms. So now we have bunk beds, two couch hide-a-beds, and a queen sized bed, that has to hold 7 people (not counting my two kids, my cousin and her fiance crashed with us for a night)#striketwo

So after my parents and sister arrive we go over the details, and crack open the bottle of Tequila Rose, and I crack open a bottle of Sprecher's IPA2 we go over sleeping arrangements and we let Ma and Pa have the Queeen bed. The Wife and I will take one of the hide-a-beds, Casey will crash in his pack-n-play, My cousin and her fiance will take the other hide-a-bed, and Liam and my sister will each take a bunk bed. WRONG! Liam refuses to go in the bunk bed and sleep, so he ends up sleeping with my wife, in the same bed and room as my parents and Casey with his pack n' play. I end up having the bottom bunk, and my sister takes the top. We haven't had that sleeping arrangement since '93, so if was like old time's and her and I stayed up till about 1:30 drinking and goofing around.

Saturday 5:30am Casey decides he wants to wake everybody up in the whole fucking room. Liam decides he wants to get up, and be an ass and wake me up too. I now have 4 hours of sleep and I know I'm going to be cranky. I go to make some complimentary coffee, all they have is one packet of decaff and one packet of regular, which has already been brewed and consumed by my mom and dad. So we get cleaned up and head off to the restaurant for coffee and breakfast. This where I am taken back by the fucking stellar prices for pancakes, Liam wants to yet again be a cranky ass from his lack of sleep. Casey wants to push himself over in the highchair, and I feel a disturbance in my bowels like no fucking other. #Strikethree

So we finish breakfast, and decide to get the kids out of the damned room and take a walk across the parking lot where they have these little shops where you can buy crap. Liam tears loose in his stroller and is pushing it through the shop at NASCAR Speeds. I try to strap him in there all the time he is yelling "OW! OW! OW! OW!" So now I feel like one of those monster parent's Nancy Grace would talk about on her show. I find the wife and she's loading up these little velvet sacks with polished rocks that are twenty five cents a piece. "What are those for?" I ask know full well who they are for. "They're for the kids" my wife responds. By "The kids" that's the general term we use for my sister-in-laws kids. I usually throw a couple colorful adjectives in there. "Put them back, the kids are too old for rocks, and they just loose them." "!FINE!" she says and dumps them back in the bin so hard, I think I saw diamonds forming between them. This is not going to be a fun day. #Strikefour (So I don't look like a total monster we ended up getting them book marks)

So we head back to the hotel room for some serious nap action at 10:30, before setting forth to visit the Amana Colonies. Everyone naps (except for me) for about 30 mins. We load up our vehicles and head north on 151 before coming upon The Amana Colonies. brief history on the colonies, it was orginally a German settlement back in the mid 1840's and now it's a small village with a bunch of shops, a couple restaurants, and a brewery. Well we get there, and it now about 80 degrees and about 100% humidity, I have 4 hours of sleep, and I am now officially "cranky". We get out walk to some of the shops (bunch of overpriced brikabrak and crap) Liam is driving me nuts because he won't stay in his damned stroller and wants to push it through the shops like he's a mad chariot racer. #strikefive

It is now about 11:30 and my cousins fiance decides he's hungry, so we ventrue accross the street to one of the three German restaurants. Its pretty much a replay of breakfast except the bill is now $100 instead of $45. I take Liam outside so he can run around and everybody can enjoy thier piece of homemade pie. Well Liam is playing around and I see what at first I thought was the ugliest woman in a dress I've ever seen. After a brief stare and a double take, this was in fact the ugliest MAN, I've ever seen in a dress, even had matching earrings and a purse too! So I pull out my phone to text my sister and wife to hurry outside and check this out! At that exact momment my phone tells me I have a new message from Twitter. It's my buddy Jonny over at GenCon tweeting about all the CosPlayers he's seen. I considered it the only humorous part of my day.


So we finally sally forth and decide to say "fuck it" to the all the other shops and just head to the brewery where my Grandma, Aunt's and cousins are all waiting with pitcher's of beer. After a 20 min walk in now 85 degree heat and tropical humidity, my wife has had enough. She gone past just cranky and is now downright being bitchy. Complaining about everything, arguing and just being short. I figure, we get to the brewery and all will be well, we can sit in the shade and enjoy some beer. Well I get there and get ready to sit down for a beer, when the wife tells me to bring the vehicles closer to where we are. #strikesix I think?

My sister and I walk all the way back up to where we parked, past the man in a dress and his 350lb lady friend, and head back to a closer spot near the brewery. At this point I'm done, I don't want any fucking beer, I don't want to go back to the fucking hotel, I don't want to deal with my fucking family anymore. I just want to leave and go back home. Well, my wife makes up for her behavior by going into the brewery to change diapers and comes back out with two kids and a Weizen Bock. My mind wanders from the strife of the day and turns to the delcious wheaty, yeasty 8.5% beer that is shutting me the fuck up for the momment.

With my expectations being low that I'll pick up a six pack of something for less then 9.99, I decide to venture forth into thier gift shop. Well to my surprise their prices are pretty good, 25 something for a case of beer. I decide to go and get a case, and I'm finally convinced that maybe this trip won't be a waste of a weekend. Then I get my wife's cell phone thrust to my ear, it's my sister in law telling me that my computer is telling her that it's being devoured by a virus. #assuming the last strike was six, this will be seven.

So now with the task of having to delouse my computer looming over my head, my weekend is shot. I round up the kids and sally forth back to hotel room, to drown my sorrows in beer and a rustic Iowa themed water park. We get back to the hotel at 4pm, I remember it well, becuase that is check in time. The hotel is now teaming with children and lines of people waiting to check in so they can go and partake of The Wasserbahrn (gotta keep with that German theme I guess.)

So The Wife, our two kids and I trudge on with the prospect of our Air Conditioned hotel room guiding our tired frames past the husks of towel clad Iowan's. We stick out key into it slot and "Red light, fuck you!" slide it agian, "Red light fuck you!", one more time, this time I beat the key slot to the "Fuck you!" part, same results red light, none shall pass. Wife is furious, I am exhausted, kids are....climbing the luggage cart's. Wife goes up to the counter, and keeps me updated with angry texts about how many people are standing in line. After 20 mins of me trying to wrangle my childeren, wife comes back, opens the door grabs the children and flops down on the couch.

"Honey, can you let me in?" I said holding the diaper bag and random bags of stuff we brought with us. After a long rant from The Wife she tells me that the "Trainee" at the counter told her that we must've gotten the card close to a magnet or by a cell phone and it was deactivated. Well I kept the dang card in my chest pocket, and unless reciepts and pacifiers have electrical currents, I just chalked it up to somebody hit the wrong button at the hotel and our cards got deactivated. Turns out my suspicions where correct as my parents and cousin had the same trouble with thier card. #strikeeight

Now at this point the only thing I want to do is get half naked and strut my Wisconsin-esque frame around a pool of equally out of shape Iowan's. Gear up Liam in his swimsuit with floaties and he looks cute as hell. In the overzealous anxiety of getting Casey ready for the pool, I whip off his diaper only to reaveal he has shit himself. Fun. After a rant and a swearing session from your truly, I gather my flock and head to the Wasserbahrn. Casey goes tearing into the kiddie part of the water park like a dog chasing a flock of geese. Liam freaks out as soon as his feet touch the water. He refuses to go in the water or even let go of me so I can at least enjoy the last on my weekend "to do" list. Well after a little coaxing, the damn kid goes ballistic and finally I can enjoy a couple mins away from my resposiblities and sit in a Sauna and clear my sinus' or maybe hit up the water slides, or swim in the pool.

Now I know what you're thinking "Mike after the day you've had, why would you even bother trying to think that?" I know right? Turns out, having my family there actually worked in my favor for a change as I was able to do the things I mentioned before while my aunt's, cousin's and sister played with my kids! I actually go to enjoy two hours of my weekend! Then it was back to the hotel for supper and beer, finally the day was over and I can come back home to virus riddle computer.

Sunday, up at 7 WOO! I actually got a broken 7 hours of sleep! Pack up all my stuff, load it into the truck, and give the middle finger to everything I can. Load up the kids, catch a lengthy breakfast and hit the road for four and a half hours in the 85 degree sun!

Get home around 3:00 and unload all the stuff, talk to the sister-in-law, get in a tustle with the wife and turn my attention to my infected computer. Turns out my niece went to addictinggames.com and a popup came up and she clicked on "Yes" and thats the end of that story, but the begining of me trying to elminate Antiviruspro from my computer, which was a mother fucker and a half, but I did it.

And ladies and gentlemen is the recap of my weekend, and you know what? It's out before Celloriffic puts out his GenCon recap.